What? No More Books?

OK, so here it is. I recommended a book on Facebook to someone and got pounced on.

The story started with a mom writing about creating a chart of chores for her kids involving bribery (her word, not mine). I understand, been there, done that. But then I remembered a pivitol book I read back when our kids were younger that caused me to abandon the gold stars for a while.

The book: Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards. It was eye-opening. All I would get from the kids with the gold star system would be compliance as long as the rewards kept coming. What i should hope for is a kid who wants to show certain behavior, deep down. Hmm.

Made total sense to me at the time. By now I’m probably misrepresenting Kohn’s ideas and have made them my own version, but they are ideas that have followed me through life.

I can pay people to do what I want, I can bribe them with stuff they want, I just have to keep dangling the rewards. I wanted more for my kids. For them to do and want what felt right, regardless of goodies.

So I was happy to point out that some people believe that this gold star or bribery system might have some drawbacks, and I recommended Kohn’s book. Here is the actual post: “re. bribery: perhaps worth looking into what alfie kohn said about this topic in punished by rewards.”

I was not prepared for the backlash. From ‘parenting books make me want to vomit’ to ‘too busy being a good mom to waste time reading books by people who don’t know my kids.’ Really?

Did these folks not read one pregnancy book either? It’s certainly the first thing I turned to when I found out I was pregnant. And not just because we lived a bit isolated in Italy. I wanted to know all the minutiae about pregnancy and delivery. No one’s word was good enough. I had to know it all. Of course we all read books that fit within our framework of beliefs, so it started out with Leboyer, Odent, Spiritual Midwifery, Immaculate Deception, etc. I bet you even recognize some names here.

So what’s with the new moms? No more knowledge from books? Just lore and myth and experience? How does one get from what is to what could be?

We ended up as unschoolers, with many books and newsletters by John Holt at our side and bedside. He was the one who recommended Alfie Kohn and others we read. It all fit so neatly with our beliefs, there was no hesitation: Should we, shouldn’t we?

I’m not talking self-help books, though we grasped for them in later teenage years. Mostly books that opened our minds to new ways of raising kids, believing in our kids. That can be difficult at times when society tries to tell you exactly how they should be, what movies they should watch, what games they should play, what clothes they should wear.

Books I remember: Free at Last – The Sudbury Valley School; Stories They’ll Remember – Frank LordGreenleaf – An Autobiography of a ChildAlfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards; John Holt’s Learning All the Time and How Children Fail, etc., and on and on. All books that had a profound impact on me as a parent. The most important aspect though was not the question am I doing it right or wrong, but the question is my kid OK.

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Children are all so different that one needs to keep on having faith in them and believing in them and supporting them, no matter how crazy it gets at times. No, I’m not writing my own book here or advising, that’s just what I felt. And at times I was good at it and other times a miserable failure. Then I would pick up a book and recover my faith.

Perhaps parents nowadays are not faced with such doubts as I was. Books are unnecessary because they know it all already or don’t want to know. Strange as this seems to me, I have to accept that the world might be changing and maybe books on children and parents are part of the past.

John Holt et al., I appreciate you took the time to write and open my eyes to a larger world and to my children. You made us part of a bigger movement that is still going strong. And I’m grateful to have been there almost at the beginning and able to contribute.

We learn from each other and we learn from books and we learn from life and our mistakes and successes. We should never shut out any source of information, no matter what aspect of life. A good thing that we get to pick and choose and have our opinions on what we read and hear and see. But quit reading? Never!

5 Replies to “What? No More Books?”

  1. I am with you on this 1000% . I read and read and read. I knew my folks did things that were not very helpful (putting it mildly) and I knew I needed solid, intelligent, heart felt information – more and more information. I read EVERYTHING that felt it had a fit somewhere for me. I am very thankful I did. I could not imagine what my kids life (or mine) would be like at this point if I did not. You made excellent points. Thank you.

  2. when i was”isolated in germany & pg my mom sent me a book — childbirth without fear … when i said i wanted to deliver w/out drugs my czeck md said “what are you … some kind of religious nut?!! … books have informed my life … along with wisdom from the wise & my sometimes unmindful choices … we can choose whatever advice speaks to us but we must not arbitrarily discount any potential source of helpful advice … books are my friends — whether i end up liking them or not they help me clarify my own truth … i say keep on reading … you just may learn something outside of your own experience which will totally change your perspective …

  3. Even when I was kid, my parents were reading the popular psychology books of the ’60’s-’70’s. When I was old enough to comprehend, I read Dr. Spock too. And long before I had a baby I had read Spiritual Midwifery several times. And countless books once we began raising a kid to adulthood.
    I would hope that every generation learns something from the past, and publishes new ideas that are appropriate for the times. But what your saying is that perhaps it’s too much to hope that they will be read?

  4. i’m glad that my generation enjoyed and still enjoys books that can teach us or at least give us information. we can accept or reject that information but to do so we first need to have that information.

  5. Beyond strongly agreeing with everything you’ve said here… I just want to THANK YOU for eagerly learning so much from so many books – and sharing information, ideas, and insights with me. For the past few decades, most of the ‘reading’ I’ve done has been vicarious. I *wish* I could’ve kept up with you, but talking through it all and working it out together has been pretty wonderful.

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